Givin' Up On You
by caysha
Summary: Sam mentally debates the value of military regulations.


Title: Givin' Up On You

Author: caysha

Setting: Pretty well unimportant, but it's after Daniel's return

Disclaimer & **Plea**: No Stargate SG-1 stuff belongs to me. Now there's a major surprise. As this is my first foray into the realm of fan fiction, please tell me if I've made any big mistakes, i.e. get out before you really humiliate yourself? Ta muchly! Also, I kinda jumped on this here Ôgate bandwagon pretty late in the proceedings, so please forgive me if some stuff is incorrect. The title comes from the song ÔGivin' Up On You' sung by Lara Fabian, which sparked the idea for the fic.

I love him, and it's not fair, you know? 

It isn't. So not. I understand the regulations, truly I do. In a normal case I'd even support them. But, this isn't a normal case. And I'm not just saying that because I _am_ half the case. Christ, working at the SGC is about as far from normal as you can get. Which is part of the problem. The regulations were written for normal situations. 

Okay Sam, let's break it down and analyse all the parts, just like a broken machine. Only this won't be just a crossed wire or missing energy source, like that one we brought back fromÉ okay, a little too literal with the metaphors. Back on task Sam. 

1. I want to have a romantic relationship with Colonel Jack O'Neill, but can't, as he is my commanding officer, andÉ 

2. This would break regs, because any relationship could mean we have Ôemotions clouding our judgement' and affecting our work.

Know what? That's ridiculous. Really; think about it for a minute. Even, or especially, if we can't act on our feelings doesn't mean that they aren't there. Yeah, they are feelings that could affect us in dangerous situations, but if we go into that we are also opening another can of worms. The rest of SG-1. 

Jack wouldn't leave anyone behind. Anyone. Well, maybe Maybourne if he had the chance butÉ. If it was Daniel, Teal'c or me he wouldn't leave any of us. None of us would. Which means we've all wrecked that reg. Truly broken it to bits. We all care for each other much more than we should. No, a correction, we care more than the military regs allow. Not surprising if you consider all we've been through together. Over the years, wait it's nearly a decade now. Wow! Anyway, over the years we've gone through a lot together. Imprisonment, firefights, ambushes, torture, injuries, illnesses, traumatic events, near death situations, MIA scares, and even a death. Or ascension. Maybe you can consider it both. And even then Daniel helped us from beyond death. Huh, I bet the stupid regs don't have anything to say about that. But for all we care for one another, our feelings don't get in the way of doing our duty. Not really. We understand the risks we take. If any of us should die on a mission, no guilt is allowed on the part of the survivors. It's unspoken, but understood, now. Since Daniel's return. We'll grieve, mourn, and remember. Likely we'll not accept it, or have fits of rage. But we can't let the others live on with undeserved guilt. Especially Daniel, he already blames himself for so much he couldn't have prevented.

But, we've all zatted each other before, when the situation's really demanded it. I don't think having a closer-than-military relationship with Jack would prevent either of us from doing that again. Or worse, should we really need to. Besides, we seem to save the world every other week; can't we have an exception made? The regs won't be changed for us. Which is a bit stupid really. Working at the SGC you don't get enough time to meet normal people. Anyone you do meet, well, it's nearly impossible to have a real relationship. Called away, inexplicably, at all hours. Sometimes just disappearing without warning, for days or even weeks at a time. Returning injured or ill. Never able to talk about it, or your work. Then you'd have strange colleagues turning up at any time, ruining any plans you'd made. No, outside the SGC relationships just don't work. So that leaves inside SGC relationships. Though I've got some great friendships here, I'm only interested in being involved with one man. Which of course, is my commanding officer, _Colonel_ Jack O'Neill. Yeah, good one Sam. 

So this line of thought has revealed several things:

1. The regs are stupid. 

2. But unfortunately they are likely to stay.

3. These stupid regs prevent me from having the only romantic relationship I want.

4. The only ways to engage in such a relationship with Jack would be

a) resign from the SGC or at least the military (which would likely end up with the same result; no more SG-1 for me) 

b) get the colonel to resign instead

c) get the regs changed

d) do something about my feelings & break the regs in the process

Okay lets consider this further.

Option a) Well, I don't really want to do either, even if it does mean I can have Jack. Not just because I love my job and the people I work with. Not just because I'd never get to investigate new planets or alien technologies again. Not just because Dad would be disappointed. Or because I'd have to leave all these amazing people behind, those on and off world, to find a new, boring job. (Because any other job would have to be boring after this). It's because of SG-1, in a way. Who'd they find to replace me? McKay? I don't think so, somehow. Jonas could probably do most of my job, if he really tried, but he's not an option. They'd probably have to take on one of the Russians. But I don't think I could trust _anyone_ else to look after the guys. Or to help save the world yet again. I mean, how could I let someone else take on that responsibility, and make those decisions? Besides, the colonel probably wouldn't let me.

Option b) Don't even think about it Sam. Anyway, I'm not sure we'd survive without him.

c) Already been through that one. The regs won't be changed. Even asking would be a bad, bad idea. Probably as bad as d). Besides, option d) would have me end up with similar results to a) only much worse. 

But if Jack and I could pursue a romantic relationship, we would stay together. I'm sure. We'd both be in it for the long haul, and we'd make it work. After all, we trust each other with our lives. Not to mention all the times we've saved each other, or compromised our beliefs or values for the other, or the sacrifices of all kinds. How could a relationship demand more than we've already given? Plus we wouldn't have to deal with problems that a Ônormal' relationship entails. We know each other, and the job, so no need to keep those secrets.

The only way out of this is to stop it. We're not going to be together anytime soon, so get over it. Get over him. After all we've been through as team members, all we can do is look at each other. Any physical contact, even just a hug, could be interpreted as inappropriate. Even after another near-death mission. I don't think I can take a whole lot more of it; feeling what I do. Feeling the way I do. So; I'm giving up on you Jack. That dream can't survive much longer the way it is, so best to forget it. Let the ghost of a chance fade away, before it decides to haunt me for life. Quash the emotions Sam. Let's go back to the feelings when we first met, when I thought he was a sexist military idiot. Or maybe a bit after that, when he was just The Colonel. Yes, good idea. No more fictional romance. No siree. Alright, time for the hard part; seal yourself in this state Sam. Cold, and composed. Yes. Good, no inappropriate feelings. Keep remembering him before he became endearing. Also, keep sitting here for a while before heading to the commissionary for lunch; as this'll give you a bit more time before you see him again. More time to get over this infatuation. Yes, Sam, good. Only an infatuation, keep thinking this way.

Or, better: remember all the times he's made you mad. All the times he ignores your explanations. Or disappoints you, like after all that work to get him home from Edora and no proper thankyous. And all the alien sweethearts he's had. Or when he makes you feel guilty. Or when he's inappropriate, like after the Seth incident. ÔDing Dong, the witch is dead' indeed! All those irritating Wizard of Oz quotes. What about all the times he's rude, or when he takes the last blue jello. Or when we met for the very first time. Stupid sexist pig! Without us scientists he wouldn't have this job, so it wouldn't kill him to be positive about the things I do. Oh, there's the idiot now, just outside my office door. I can see his unmistakable silhouette in the cloudy glass. Jerk! I'll give him a piece of my mind. He's probably lost a file on his computer and needs me to find it for him. Sorry, no can do, you selfish, ignorantÉ. Oh, now he's opening the door. Doesn't he ever knock first? What if I was busy? 

"Hey Carter," a big heart-melting grin. "What cha doin'?

Okay, scrap that idea. 

I'm never getting over him. Never.

I love him, and it's not fair, you know? 

Parting A/N: Okay, hope that all makes sense & is correct. I'm not too sure Ôbout it. Any response to it would be fantastic; even just to say it has been read would be very much appreciated. I guarantee that would have me walking on sunshine for the whole day! Thanks for your time. :-)


End file.
